Looking back....I'm pretty strong...

A year ago I was obese and to be honest quite miserable. I settled with the idea of being obese for the rest of my life. It was sad. I was sad whether I wanted to believe it or not. I actually erased the words overweight and obese from my mental dictionary. I refused to believe I wasn't at a normal weight. I always thought to myself "there's no way  I can lose weight. And even if I did I'd always have big hips." I thought I was set for life.

I don't know what happened but all that changed when I turned 30. I imagined myself 30 years from now overweight and unhappy and somehow that was enough to give me a nice push in the right direction.

I started my weight loss journey 9 months ago and now I have only 20 more pounds to lose before I get to my first big goal weight and a healthy bmi. I'm so glad I'm here. I finally realize just how strong I really am.

Before, I always considered myself weak and helpless. I was always the victim. I probably lost friends or potential friends because of how I use to be. It was always so hard to make friends. I couldn't figure out why. I always thought a friend would come along with the same thoughts and feelings as me. I didn't know I use to be so negative. Why would anyone want to hang around a negative person? It can get a bit tiring after awhile. I always blamed it on something else. Never on myself. I did that with everything. Even clothes. "oh European sizes run too small." ha! I was so blind.

I'm not blind anymore though. I'm strong. Now more than ever.

The day I landed in the USA I saw fast food restaurants everywhere! On every corner! I was overwhelmed. My friend had asked me if I wanted her to drive me somewhere to get something to eat. I thought "mmm taco bell!!!" but instead said subway. Because at least I know it's fresh. We went to subway the next day as well when we drove back home. I had water.

I've been faced with temptation ever since I got here. But I  am strong. I've walked away from the tempting foods. I'm living a healthy lifestyle and living with my parents!!! I'm doing it!

I will admit it has been hard. I've been doing all the cooking so far. Well, my own meals at least. I don't mind really. It's just a bummer my parents don't always want what I make for dinner. My mom likes it though but has been eating two dinners every night. It hurts me to see her overeating. I tell her she doesn't have to eat with me but she insists and tells me she's hungry. That she saved a bit of room in her stomach. I honestly think she's just trying to please my dad and me. I know she doesn't need all that food. And for some reason they don't touch my healthy food. I have been buying plenty for everyone yet they claim I'll get angry if they touch it. Honestly, that's the old me they are thinking of. I'd rather them finish my healthy stuff.

So yeah it's been a bit challenging but I'm hanging in there. If it wasn't for me exercising though i know I'd be getting a headache every single day. I'm mentally strong now and that's something I never thought I'd have. Mental health.

I've suffered from depression in my past. Always feeling horrible about myself. Always figuring out a way to hurt myself, it wasn't always physical. I had no idea I was already hurting myself everyday by eating junk and giving my body what it really didn't need. No wonder I was depressed. Before I started losing weight I actually asked myself "what will I do about my depression after I lose weight?" I had no idea it was tied with my being overweight. So when I actually started losing I was pleasantly surprised to find out I wasn't feeling that way anymore. This last winter was my first winter I didn't feel depressed. I was no longer the victim. For that I was thankful. I felt free!

I still feel that way. I see now the prison I kept myself in for many years. I see other people inside their own prison and it's very sad. It's even worse when it's your own parents. My mom is the victim and has been for many years. Her and my dad argue, she cries and gets depressed. I use to be that way. But now when hubby and I argue (which is much much less than before) I go to the gym or try to burn off some steam by doing something productive. I seem to clean the best when I'm upset ;) I don't sit around and cry waiting for an apology anymore. I don't need an apology to make me feel better. Husbands arent always right ya know ;) lol

And speaking of being mentally strong, I see more positive now than before. My mom never sees the positive in a situation. The littlest thing will set her off into a domino effect of emotions. I tell her to calm down and that it's no big deal. I try to tell her the positive and sometimes she calms down and sees it. She is still the victim though. Weak. And I find it so sad. I tell her she can be strong if she wanted to be. It takes some work but it is possible! Even at her age. Both my parents keep saying they are too old to do anything anymore. I don't think that's all true. They lack energy from being overweight and blame it on age. I think part is from age but the other part from their extra weight. They have never been active. Guess that's why I have never been skinny before.

Now I want to be as active as I can be. It's a bit hard while living here though. My parents don't like to go anywhere :) tv and couch is all they need. It's hard not to drag myself into their world. I wish they were more active. But they never have been. I guess thats why I was so overweight for most of my life. It's hard not to blame them because well, habits start young. Now I just try to learn from their mistakes. Like I have said before, I don't want my kids to go down the road I did. I'm glad I'm starting while they are still young! Just the other day my daughter requested salmon and veggies for dinner! She loved the veggies though. I think the cheese had a bit to do with that ;) I have been enjoying the Steamers vegetables lately!

Speaking of food. I'm still getting used to all the American products here. It has been fun exploring. :) I hope to find a new balance sooner or later though. Cooking in a kitchen that is not yours is quite different. :)

So yeah I have been thinking a lot about things lately. With my parents. It has been a bit draining dealing with them everday. Explaining to them why I do what I do. Why I am the way that i am. How my diet is NOT a diet but if you must use that word then its my "diet for life". It's fun explaining to them that this is NOT temporary but a permanent lifestyle change. I WANT to exercise for the rest of my life. I know it's good for me! :) not just physically but mentally too. I like to call this world "The Wonderful World of Fitness". I try to explain it to my mom but she doesn't get it. I don't think she ever will. Or even wants to. She still has some of her old habits from her past. Like eating leftovers (which includes my kids) just so that she doesn't have to throw it away or maybe even because for so long in her young life she would go a whole day without eating. I try to tell her to let go of the past. To be thankful that she's where she is right now. In a good place. Move forward. I guess it's easier said than done though. Oh well. I still love her. She's my mom. But it hurts me to see her putting herself through unnecessary pain (physically and mentally). I can't do much about it though. I just have to keep doing what I'm doing.

One funny thing that happened this past week was a bit about learning a new language. A man came over and said man spent 7 years in costa rica and learned the language during that time. My dad then asked "7 years? I have been living in the USA for way more than that and how come I can't speak English fluently? Like you speak Spanish fluently?" I have first hand experience. The man joked around and said you can't teach an old dog new tricks. But then mentioned you have to want to learn it. I lacked motivation for so many years but the past couple of months the block that once used to be there disappeared and I started embracing the new language slowly. Better late than never I guess. :) I still want to keep at it. It will be a bit harder now but I think I can do it. I told my dad that he must not want to learn it otherwise he would have years ago. He can't tell me I'm wrong anymore though because I have first hand experience. That goes for eating healthy too! That feels good. He just looked at me and said "I guess" a bit of denial in his voice but he knows I'm right. He hates admitting when he's wrong. lol

Well those are my thoughts this morning. Going to hit the farmers market later today., :) yeah! I haven't been to it in years!

~L

Thursday morning thoughts...

First of all, I wish I could share pictures!!!! I had a whole wheat English muffin, a slice of sharp cheddar cheese, egg white, sandwich for breakfast this morning. I also added a couple slices of tomato, and a small handful of salad greens. Yum! Sure beats mcdonalds any day! :) oh yeah I also made some turkey sausage links on the side. 2 is one serving for 90 cals and about 300ish g of sodium. No carbs, low in fat. (Jennie-o?) it was a really good breakfast. I didn't add any salt to my eggs. Actually I haven't really touched salt since I got here. I don't need it. Everything else seems to have enough of it for the entire meal. :) just got to remember to drink my water and enough of it every day! I try to start my day out by drinking two glasses of water. Ok I also made the same thing for my mom. She really liked it. :) and agreed that it was filling. I estimated about 350 calories for the entire meal. So good!!! I love the nutrition facts!

Ok second, I weighed myself this morning (even though I know I shouldn't have) and seemed to have lost a pound this week. It just feels nice knowing I'm still losing even though im eating different foods than before and even though my exercise routine is different as well. :) i am still prepared for no losses though but if I lose than that's just a bonus for me! I'm in this for life and just because I'm not losing much at the moment doesn't mean I'm going to stop exercising and stop eating right. So far I have been making my own meals and I'm ok with that! :) I love my moms food though but ever since coming here I've realized just how strong I really am. I did have a bean burrito with cheese for lunch the other day though but with a whole wheat tortilla, and low fat cheese. That was my lunch for the day. I had fruit as a snack a little later.

I have noticed my parents dont really eat vegetables all that much with their meals. My dad had steak and beans and Mexican rice for dinner just last night. No veggies. I don't think beans counts as a veggie does it? I'm going to have to try to add veggies to their meals even if just steamed from a bag. :) btw I wasn't here last night during their dinner. I was at the gym doing two classes. It's so funny. I'm quite used to doing two classes in one day and everyone at the gym was like "you are doing this one too?" I was like "sure why not?" ;) it's fun! I'm glad I had an apple in my bag. I was quite hungry after both classes. I was going to pack some nuts in my bag but was in a hurry. I'm thinking something in between classes would be great.

Also, another funny thing I came across last night....I googled something because I was curious. Well, I had no idea that non romantic "girl crushes" are real. It sort of explains why I feel the way that I do after leaving a few great people behind. Hmmm... Strange feeling it is. lol that's never happened to me before. Needless to say, I miss a certain someone. A couple people the most really. I'm glad we have Internet to stay in touch though. I think a great friendship could have blossomed after some time. But oh well that's life I guess. I hope I feel the same way about other people later on in my life. I could use a best girl friend. :)


Ok enough thoughts for this morning. My legs are sore! lol I still want to do spinning this evening though. :)


~L